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Yesterday afternoon, I alternate to my appointment afterwards the anniversary to acquisition that addition had taken my adequate rolling chair—a actual adequate Herman Miller Aeron, acknowledge you Nick Denton—and replaced it with addition one which was not alone shitty (old, covered in pilly atramentous fabric, a evidence of the above occupants of the Times Square architecture area we aloof relocated), but it was BROKEN, unadjustable, and had me sitting at my board so low I acquainted like a goddamn child.
To abolish this chair, and alter it with the burst one, a being had to appear INTO my clandestine office, actionable the adherence of my space; ROLL the armchair to their board about in our all-inclusive and rather labyrinthine new appointment layout; and again ROLL addition armchair aback to my desk, entering my clandestine appointment afterwards permission not already but TWICE. Additionally, aftermost anniversary I noticed that a bandy pillow had been taken from my office, but I did not accuse then—it was old and the accoutrement were advancing out, so I wasn’t absolutely absorbed to it—but burglary my nice appointment armchair is an unforgivable offense. We accept mostly alone the achievability that a night babysitter artlessly confused the chair, because it did not about-face up in any adjacent offices, and is awful absurd they would accept formed a armchair to addition addition of the office. I accept requested the acknowledgment of my armchair in an all-company Slack, no questions asked, but so far no one has either accepted to the abomination or alternate my chair. Perhaps they are abashed of me agreeable on them, which is a abhorrence that is absolutely founded. I would be abashed of me, too, frankly.
Since affective to this new office, there has been a affliction of thefts, some of which could accept been chalked up to the accepted anarchy of affective a 300-person appointment in one week, but best of which were due to the acquisitive attributes of the move and a absence of supplies. For the aboriginal two weeks afterwards our relocation, it was absolutely Hunger Games up in this shit; added items that accept gone missing accommodate Jezebel Culture Editor Clover Hope’s laptop charger, Head of Audience and Social Jon Eiseman’s white mug, and Jalopnik Social Editor Aaron Brown’s BAG. Aaron told me via Slack:
i larboard my bag out, i dont accept an office
and so i was allegedly out of the appointment for a little over a week
and aback i alternate it was gone, but some of the items i bethink accepting in the bag were still there (my authorization and some anorak liners)
it’s a gray kappa haversack that is hardly egg shaped. i got it for 30 euros at the kappa banker in austria and it is absolutely baby to me
In one instance, addition catholic one flight downstairs, took a ample bulb from an office, agitated it aback up one flight, and placed it in their own office. The bulb was recovered, and it was an honest mistake; the “culprit” in the bulb debacle, who has called to abide anonymous, said this:
1. I did not booty the bulb on the stairs. I took the elevator.
2. I did not anticipate the bulb belonged to anyone. It was actually in a alley by abandoned desks.
3. I asked Will how one got a plant, he said aloof booty one.
4. I absolutely did not anticipate the bulb ball was about “my” bulb aback it started up on Slack because I would never advisedly booty someone’s plant, what am I
5. addition came up DOING DETECTIVE WORK and aback I said hi and asked what was up he said “nothing” again told addition “[REDACTED] blanket it,” which was not cool, I beggarly bethink Jennings and the pizza
6. I acquainted terrible, obviously, and was so ashamed I had Will acknowledgment the bulb
For context, Will Sansom is our admired and abandoned appointment manager. The Jennings Brown pizza adventure was an honest aberration (the pizza was sitting in the kitchen, out in the open, with nary a agenda on it) and he replaced the pizza. There is additionally allegedly an affair with the men’s bath in which it has been chock-full and overflowed alert circumstantial with bodies not flushing, but the men’s bath at this aggregation has consistently been ambiguous behindhand of appointment location. Addition absolutely smoked a collective in there at the aftermost office, aback I’m airing out all our drama, which is fucking bonkers, because vapes exist. Additionally, Kotaku’s Gita Jackson declared the afterward incident:
Okay: in the old office, my 20 sided abundance baptize canteen got stolen, which would accept been accomplished if I hadn’t absorbed a absolutely beautiful agreeableness to it that my acquaintance got me in Japan
And additionally there was that time that addition kept demography the batteries out of my abrasion and again putting them aback incorrectly??????
Never begin the culprit on either and I’m still mad!!!!
Since demography up this cause, I accept been inundated with tales from my coworkers about abstruse disappearances of goods.
But what these thieves ability not accept accepted is that our new appointment is able with aegis cameras, all about the accepted hallways.
Normally I am durably adjoin the surveillance state, but in this instance, the allurement to bolt the appointment armchair bandit is artlessly too strong, because I would like my fucking appointment armchair back. Later today, Will Sansom and I will analysis the aegis footage taken over the advance of four canicule in an accomplishment to analyze the appointment armchair thief. (This column will be adapted already we do.) But because this ball has been advancing over the advance of two days, the retrieval of baseborn appurtenances and blackmail of accessible awkward seems like an bare outcome. I will air out this person, but I additionally feel they deserve some added blazon of punishment.
So… how should I abuse this person?
Corey Townsend of The Root, my aide who has advantaged a added castigating approach, offered this advice: “Unfortunately we aren’t in the aphotic times area tarring and calamus and a ablaze stoning is acceptable… so if abuse should be dealt again accessible awkward is the best advance of action. Print out their faces and adhere them for all to see. If accessible we should airing them through the aisles with accretion ringing.”
Shall I Seven Septons them? Perhaps I shall. This column will be adapted aback we apperceive more.
Update, June 1: I will not be able to analysis the footage until Monday morning, because G/O Media’s tech administration was too active removing proprietary Univision software from everyone’s laptops (a blue-blooded and acute task) to cull the tapes. While I would adulation for my pettiness to be prioritized, I accept and would additionally like to be chargeless of accumulated spyware. The armchair bandit lives addition day…
Square Up Chair Up – Square Up Chair Up
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